I F%&@ED UP!

OK… I’ll admit it. I fucked up. Big time. I got involved with people I shouldn’t have, slept around with a few assholes, made decisions that jeopardized my stability, trusted liars, said things I should have kept for myself, invested time on things and people that gave me nothing in return… the list goes on.

I’m aware of my many mistakes. The one thing I’m not so sure is if my biggest mistake was to blindly fall in Love with a narcissistic yet adoringly charming guy and follow him all the way to Metzico; or if it was getting in a massive debt to graduate from University to become a “professional artist”; or failing to keep track of my finances; or being unrealistically hopeful for the future -although I must say that always worked out in my favor.

I simply don’t know if my biggest fuck up was to spend my 20’s traveling the world and looking for answers to the existential questions I faced from and early age, when the norm was to finish University, get a job, have a family and maybe go searching for answers when you reach 60 or 70, once there isn’t much else left to do -before you say something, I know there are many exceptions to this rule, like this 80-year-old dancing lady, for instance.

Maybe my biggest, silliest mistake was choosing to be born at this time an age on Planet Earth. If we did have such choice that would be it, most stupid thing I’ve done in my entire existence!

What the hell is going on these days? I don’t mean to sound negative, it is certainly an exciting time to be alive. The truth is, the way I experience the world, my understanding of life in general and the how I prefer to relate to my fellow humans, compared to what I’m witnessing around me -with some exceptions- makes me think I was born at the wrong time, or the wrong place. And here lays another dilemma. Can we exist at the wrong time? Anyways, I’m not going down Philosophy Lane today.

All I know is that lately I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed, as if I was unable to keep up with how fast everything seems to change. Now, don’t get me wrong. The changes we are witnessing are things I’ve been anticipating since I was a kid. I used to have visions -I still do, not as often- on what the world would become with the advance of technology.

Those who have known me for long (not so many, considering I’ve moved so many times) have heard my predictions. I was on track then, except most people thought I was crazy -I know many who still think so 

What I didn’t anticipate was how those changes would affect my adulthood. Deep inside I don’t want to grow up. But in this world, if you don’t grow up, if you don’t become aggressively competitive, if you don’t have the latest gadget and you continue being naive, you will be devoured by the rest. There are plenty of beasts out there, people who have not done the work to evolve from animal to a conscious human being. Yeah. True story! These are usually the ones who look the most sophisticated, again, with exceptions obviously.

So… after being deceived by looks, after having my heart broken many, many times and my trust destroyed a few others, I decided it was time to grow up. Time to be my own parent, own my shit and take care of the beautiful innocent girl that lives in me, that kid lives in all of us. Sometimes we forget, we get busy showing off to the rest of world how cool we are. We spend hours sharing the golden reel of our day and we neglect that child until it starts getting grumpy and demands attention by sabotaging all that we’ve been working towards for our adult selves.

I’m growing up. Yes. Unfortunately for those who preferred me to stay the same to their advantage, not mine. But thanks to them, I developed courage. I used to think I was brave to do the things I used to do. Now I wonder if it wasn’t just plain stupidity. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. I no longer doubt myself. I’m more than ever following my gut, trusting my intuition as my only compass and ignoring what people have to say about it.

I’m now 34. I have NOTHING to my name, I’m single, I’m broke -only financially- and I’m about to relocate to a different country for the 4th time in my short (or long) life. Yet, I’ve never felt better. While some are figuring out how to pay their mortgage, or maintain their self-image, or fighting hard to keep an addiction in check, others are recovering from the tragedy of losing all they ever had. Me, I have nothing. Yet I have it all! Because I have ME.

I believe the moment you realize you have nothing but yourself, that’s when you have it all. It’s when you truly have the freedom to set the foundation and start building the life you’ve always dreamed of but played small so as not to disappoint your haters. When you already know what it is to lose, you have nothing left to lose. And that ain’t that bad my friends… it ain’t that bad.

(written on April 29th, 2017)